When?

I'm curious on what am I getting myself into.. If I think through my situation, I know I'm not making a right decision. The more I play with the mud, the more I find myself covered in dirt.

I am enjoying the whole new experience of playing in this mud pool. Yet, I know that sooner or later I will have to stop. The question is when?

If I were to live without God, I would have sink into this pool and get myself into trouble and regrets. Yet, the principles that I'd learn in church is keeping me from falling off the cliff.
God's love is more important than anything.. I know that very well...

I know what am I suppose to do but I can't find the will to do it..

Making one's life worthwhile

Someone recently asked "What is there to look forward to?"
I don't have an instant answer.. I enjoy my life. I love hanging around with everyone around me, laughing together, making lame jokes together... But life just can't be all that, right??

In the my Christianity point of view, a well-lived life would be living a life like Christ and bring people back to God.
I'm sounding like a pastor... -.-"
Well, anyway..
How should I type to make my meaning understandable..? Errrmm..

Basically, I want to live like how Jesus Christ lived. He was a blessing and He brought joy and healing to everyone He knows or came across..

That's what I look forward to each day -- To make people smile and to just be there for them.
A simple smile do go a long way..

I can't say that I'm so great as to be able to make everyone happy. I do hurt others intentionally at times...
But all in all.. I want to life a life worthwhile.

Someone else once said this :

Love does not make the world go round,
But love is what makes a life worthwhile...

Crossroad

Stuck in a crossroad where I don't know which way to go. My logical mind is telling me to go one way while my emotion is telling me to go the other.
I find myself walking in between these two roads. Trying to make the most out of what both sides have to offer.
I'm still trying to find out which way is best. But I think my heart already know which way is best...
If only I know when to listen to my heart...

Jingle Bells~

Christmas is COMING!! Can't you just hear the bells jingling behind every corner!

I am so looking forward to this Christmas. I am going to have a blast with my one week's leave before Christmas.

I'm gonna get this and do that..
Meet up with her and go out with them.
Practice for performance and perform in Church!

Joy to the world the Lord is come~~

Untitled

Loads of things happened lately and I'm recently going through some issues that I don't know how to explain. Only a handful of my friends know the story. The rest don't even have a clue.

I'm confused yet I'm glad that I'm have God with me.

The feeling is indescribable.
Knowing that God grants peace.
Knowing that He cares and loves me.
Knowing that I am a special child of His, that he knows the real me inside.
Knowing that He knows what I am going through.
Knowing that He understands the situation that I'm in.
Being a child of God is such a privilege and comfort..

Down time

I am stupid, naive, unintelligent, thoughtless, and blind! Sigh.. I wish I can let it all out somewhere. God please help me.

17th

Exactly 5 months has passed without me realizing it. It is on a 17th that we left and it is also on a 17th that I met your brother that so much resembles you.

Today had been a great experience for me. Both in God's favor and in faith that I lead my day. God is great.

Literally every step made today was first made by God.

Today is the first time I played a guitar in public. Also the first time I led worship while playing an instrument. The first time I saw Joash's family, relatives and friends. The first time I felt God's eagerness to move through me.

Our God, Christ Jesus is real and I lived to witness that. All glory to God....

Treasure today ;)

Complacency. We seldom use this word yet we practice it ever so often. For example, we grow complacent with the neighborhood we live in; we grow complacent with the service we get; we grow complacent with the services we provide; most of all, we grow complacent with our family and close friends.

Family and close friends are those that'll stand by you. Often times, they stand so close that we forgot that they're always there. Thus, we take them for granted.

How many times had I done so, taking my family and friends for granted. Not bothering to spend more time just to keep in touch. The common mistake that I do is abuse online social network. I don't want to regret my actions after I lose them forever...

Just a reminder to all plus myself:

Life is really fragile. You won't know who'll live to survive tomorrow.
Treasure today or regret tomorrow...

Gah.. How I wish that he's able to update his 'blank page' again...

Seed

I was day-dreaming and I thought of my future... Missionary, although I don't know which sort, but I'm very sure I'm going to get involve in one someday.

Then I remembered of those that had shared the same dreams that I have. We shared and we talked. We even decided that we may meet in BCM someday! How I miss those times.

But friends come and go. Nothing last forever...

This dream of being a missionary of Christ, seeded in my heart. It hasn't grown much. My fault I guess. I'm just too uncertain of what's ahead that I just want to give up without even letting this seed break open.

Though my life has changed from the day I shared my dreams with you but the same seed remains. I'll just have to be brave enough to let it die first.

Once this seed dies, new leaves will appear. My story has just began...

"Hurt people hurt people; loved people love people"

Pastor had always said : "Hurt people hurt people."
Confused? It means that people who were hurt will always hurt other people.

It's very true. Behind every hateful things a person does, lies a greater hurt in their hearts.
Many of us choose to repay an eye for an eye. Since you hurt me, I'll hurt you in return to get even.
This situation sounds so familiar to too many people... I'll bet everyone on earth had encounter this sort of situation.

But I hate this. I hate a world where people hate each other.
You're hurt inside, so what? What's the point of hurting the people close to you? Then the people whom you'd hurt will turn around and hurt someone else. There goes the never ending circle of hate..... Sigh..

What hurt people needs is love.
"What's the point of loving someone who hates you, who don't know how to return or appreciate my love?!" You might ask.
Then let me ask you this: "How is someone who grew up in hatred can ever learn how to love when no one had ever showed them how good love can be??"

"Loved people love people"....

Love is what makes a life worthwhile

Imagine this:

You had been working on a group project for 2weeks straight, less play and less sleep.
Then one of your group member just come up from nowhere,
flip through your 'sweat and blood' and said
"Useless!"

Lets add some spices to the story...

(Scenario A)

You burned with anger and disappointment that your project was not well appreciated.
You sulked and excuse yourself to get a drink.
When you came back to the group, you unintentionally overheard their conversation
"This is total crap!"
"I wonder did he/she even put any effort.."
"Total disappointment le! I seriously cannot believe lo"

(Scenario B)

You burned with anger and disappointment that your project was not well appreciated.
You sulked and excuse yourself to get a drink.
As you went to get your drink, one of your group member caught up with you.
He/she said
"I can see that the portion that you prepared was very well done. But it wasn't what we wanted.
We are actually focusing on a different point of view towards the topic.
Maybe you could have done it *blah blah blah*. Keep it up! :)"
When you came back to the group, you unintentionally overheard their conversation
"This is total crap!"
"I wonder did he/she even put any effort.."
"Total disappointment le! I seriously cannot believe lo"

Now, think again. What will you feel in both scenario?
*Honestly, I will definitely dislike my group members for criticizing me so badly. :P*

In Scenario A, I would have given up on my project if my semester results doesn't depend on it. I would have given up on my members as well.

As for Scenario B, that one member that came after me is the key person that will pull me through this situation. After all, it's my fault that I did the wrong project.

If only there are more key person like that all around. Someone who actually sees your value. They see the 360 degree of you, not just your mistakes and failures but also sees you as a human being with feelings.
Don't judge a book by its cover, they say. But how many people dislike others just because they do not like what they see??
Can there be more love around? Would YOU share this love around?

A beloved friend and brother once quoted this:

Love does not make the world go round but love is what makes a life worthwhile..

Will you go and make someone's life worthwhile?

Prayer Answered without realization

I am so grateful that I am a Christian, that I get to know my God and having Him knowing me back..
I had been in a really stressful situation lately and I was struggling really hard to find an answer and if possible, a solution.
So, I prayed and asked for a sign from God a couple of days ago. But the next day, I found that things turned out more complicated. And I was really in a dilemma.
Then today, I brought up the issue in prayer to God once again. The moment I asked
"why the issue turn out to be more complicated? Why did it happened the way it did??"

*whamp!*

I realized that the complication is actually a solution to my situation... I just hadn't been looking at it in a 360 angle.

Glory to God! He works in ways no one can understand. And I definately took few days to understand an answered prayer.

Focus, Beatrice, Focus..

I'm so tired of myself always being so unfocused.
Just when I thought that I'll be able to focus my mind and give my 100% into it, I side-tracked just because I stumbled into something else that interests me.
I'm kinda fed-up with this attitude of mine. Why can't I just concentrate on one thing and loose focus on everything else?
That's the new-age weakness: Multi-tasking!
Sigh~~~ I wish I could be a good girl and keep my focus on this one thing and not the 'interesting' stuff that just pops up from nowhere.

Goodbye!

All good things will come to an end...
'My precious' said goodbye to me this morning, seeming like it's telling me that it's time to move on and let go. And I guess that's what life is all about:

Leave the past, move on and grow up.

Reflecting on the past experiences that I've had, I'd really grown up a lot. And saying goodbye had left me with more growing up to do.

I know I can do this moving on thing. Finally, I know I can do this.

I'm glad that I manage to have a last experience with 'my precious' :)
Note to 'my precious': Moving on doesn't mean I'll forget you, you always be special and one of a kind ^^ Thank you for being with me for so long!

Living for the living

I was thinking of Joash just now and the more I do, the more I felt restless.
I never knew that losing someone close would pain a person for so long. It seems like the pain could never reduce, it has only been attacking less frequently.
Then I looked onto God in prayer. Praying to get an answer or just a bit of peace to calm down.

This is what God told me: "Do not think of those that had passed away. Instead, think of those that are still living."

So true are God's answer when one earnestly seeks Him. I pray that I WILL be able to live for the living.. Amen.

Glorious Day (Living He loved me) - Casting Crowns

verse 1:
One day when Heaven was filled with His praises
One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin
Dwelt among men, my example is He
Word became flesh and the light shined among us
His glory revealed

chorus:
Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

verse 2:
One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me

verse 3:
One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He’s ascended, my Lord evermore
Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him
From rising again

bridge:
One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing
My Savior, Jesus, is mine

A wonderful song of how our Saviour came and rose again, bringing us a chance to be apart of the Glorious Day, when He returns again.
By living, He showed how He loved us
By deciding to die, He washed us clean and gave us new lives
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Then He came back alive, proving that we will live with Him forever
One day He’s coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day..

My life in hostel

My hostel is located behind Assunta Hospital and I'm on the 9th floor.

A view from my level: evening sun

Hostel cat; a distraction from the stress of studies ^^

I was supposed to be studying ;p

My classroom:

My hostel under the moonlight

my room is on d highest floor, 2nd from right

Always Enough - Casting Crowns

In the dry and weary land
Lord, You are the rain
In the sea of shattered ones
Your love comes rushing in

You hold the world within Your hands
and see each tears that falls
Through every fire and every storm
You're always enough, always enough

Your love is peace to the broken
Faith for the widow
Hope for the orphan
Strength for the weak

Your love is the anthem of nations
Rings out through the ages
And You're always enough for me

You keep my heart in perfect peace
My life is in Your hands
When confusion hides my way
You're always enough, always enough

Your love is peace to the broken
Faith for the widow
Hope for the orphan
Strength for the weak

Your love is the anthem of nations
Rings out through the ages
And You're always enough

I rejoice for my Savior reigns
I rejoice that He lives in me
God on high, He has set me free
Worthy is the Lord

I rejoice for my Savior reigns
I rejoice that He lives in me
God on high, He has set me free

Worthy is the Lord

In the dry and weary land
Lord, You are the rain...

"You will be my strength through the ages, O Lord. I find peace in You. You are always enough. I'm so grateful to have You knowing me.." :)

remember that I cared

I don't understand what am I feeling right now..

Is it stress from my exam?
The piling procedures?
Misunderstanding between my friends?
The death of a friend?
Lack of sleep?
or..
An unrequited love?

I feel like a bird being caught by a barbed fence. As I struggle in attempts to escape, I find myself getting more tangled up within the fence. The sharp ended barbs piercing and injuring me mercilessly. I cry out for help but I find my friends caught in their own barbed fence. There's just no one there to save me.

As I lay trapped, left with so little strength that I can hardly breathe. I realize the main reason that I caught myself in this fence.

Memories of him just keep flooding my mind. I knew I was never good enough for him but I never thought to lose him in this way; to know that he loves another in this sort of manner..

I love you, I really did. I blame myself for not being initiative enough to approach you the time I realized my feelings for you. Instead of encouraging you to fall for me, I drew myself away from you. Deep down in my heart, I selfishly think that you belong to me. Naive, I was so naive.

I had never met a guy like you, never had I experience so much care and attention (perhaps?) from such a gentleman. I'll smile whenever I recall the time we went out, the time we spent together. You really took care of me. For the first time, someone actually looked back and search for me when I'm lost in a crowd. Then you stayed so closed to me as if afraid that I'll get lost in the crowd again.

But you are someone else's man now. I'll just have to accept the fact.

The fact that I'd lose you forever. No matter how much my heart regrets and cry, you'll never be by my side ever again.

Goodbye, God bless and remember that I cared...

Last tribute to Joash Wee

Thanks to Dan Loo, I was able to go down to Muar to attend Joash's wake service last evening.

Having my hometown being Batu Pahat, Muar is a familiar place to me. I'd been wanting to return since the last time I was there during CNY. I'd never imagine myself returning in this manner, under such circumstances.

Anyway, I am really glad that I'm able to go on this trip with Dan n Nick, which are (sort of) my childhood friends from church. I can't imagine myself going on this trip alone. Oh, and I thank God for making all these possible and granting us journey mercy.

Much to Dan's denial, I helped in getting us into Muar.

Finding the church was not easy but we managed. Thank God I can read mandarin, which those 2 guys couldn't.

The service starts at 8pm. We got there at 7.30 so there was time to kill. So, we went to pay our respect to the 5 family members.

We entered that specially set up room. 5 caskets were arrange in a semi circle.

I went ahead with the 2 guys behind me. It's harder for them as the guys had always been closer to Joash.
1st was Mdm Lim, she looks beautiful.
Followed by Mr Roland, who I understand to be a great leader and mighty man of God.

As much as I wanted to approach the next casket the moment I stepped into this room, my feet refuses to go any further. So near yet I couldn't bear to take those few steps...
Joash's picture stood at a table beside the casket, he was smiling so brightly.

I paused for about a second. I just didn't want to get too much attention on myself so I carried my heavy feet and stood by where Joash was.
I stared at the wooden framework without looking in. After slowly placing a carnation on top the casket, I turn towards the head of this wooden box.

There he was, lying so peacefully. The first thing that caught my eyes were Joash's makeup. It was really thick and it's not his natural colour. Then I saw skin grafts covering most part of his face. It must have been to cover up his wounds. He must have been really badly wounded.
I continue to look on his face, his thick eyebrows (Wai Chi said they looks like Crayon Shin Chan's) stood out. His face was nicely shaved. His thick lips.

I could spot a faint smile on his face. How I wished just to be able to see him smile again..

Tears began to invade my eyes. It took some effort but I fought them back because I know very well that Joash is very much alive. And most of all, he won't be able to enjoy Heaven with all of us crying..

My heart whispered 'I miss you Joash' and then together with the guys, I left the room.

As sad as I cannot imagine, Dan created this smiley face..

After the service, we visited Joash one last time. I passed by Joash's dad and in my heart I thank him for Joash being a part of my life.
I was much stable than I thought when I reached Joash. He definately looked as if he's smiling slightly. Instead of wanting to cry, I actually wanted to take his picture and save it so that I can show Joash when I meet him in Heaven once again. I can sort of imagine him making a funny face when he sees what the undertakers did to his face :)

Side-track:

my 20th birthday present from Joash and Eliza.
it looks worn out now cos I wear it a lot.

Joash with the 2 birthday girls of 2008
(I celebrated my birthday together with Wai Chi)

the last time I saw Joash during the YES alumni reunion of YES'10 in Jan

My last photoshot with him..

"Joash, I hope this will be the last post dedicated for you. I know I'll have to move on but I'll keep the memories we had for the rest of my life. But then again, this doesn't mean I will break my promise to whack you double hard when I meet you again! ;)"

We are inspired by you, Joash ;)

to my fellow YES-ians of 2008:
"As we had always said tat we are a special group. We really are. Bonded in spirit n hand-chosen by Christ. Wit only 1 Joash, it wasn't enough to impact this world. But by d death of Jo, so many more Joash-to-be were inspired. Let's impact d world, YES-ians! In memories of Joash!"

I'm slowly able to let Joash go.. Compared to the 1st day I got the news, I'm much better. Of course, I still wish this is all a joke and Joash would just pop up from behind us and give his infamous smirk once again...

But what's past is passed. I will live up to what I promised God today, that is to live a live like Joash did and finish what Joash had intended to do for the world when he was around.

Joash's fire for God will continue to burn within us the YES-ians! Amen.

Memorial of Joash Wee

A memorial was held in Taylor's Lakeside College this morning. I sincerely and deeply thank my God for making it possible for me to attend this event. Be it with transport or permission to take leave, I praise God for it.

Joash was a great guy, loving and caring but I never realized how many people he had touched til I attended this memorial.

Quite a lot of friends of Joash came, ranging from housmates to college mates, church mates to random friends.

During the eulogy (where random friends would share about Joash), everyone talked about his smile. That smile is describe as one of a kind, dazzling, warm, friendly, welcoming, comforting and most of all: a smile that touches one's heart.

I knew Joash cares for people but when I heard stories of HOW he cared for people, I was amazed at how far Joash would go to help a friend, be it a close friend or not. Joash would always be there for anyone, even a stranger.

I heard of how he'll let a needy friend he knew only for few days to stay over at his place;
how he went all the way from subang to angkasapuri (KL) to meet a good pal who had lost herself in KL (and no one from KL was willing to help her). Just a phone call saying :"Can you come to Angkasapuri and meet me now?" without asking an explaination, he left his college and picked her up;
how he never complain of heavy assignments or delayed worship practices;
how he would be an advisor in any sort or situation;
how he would lighten any dark atmosphere;
Joash is a walking lamp of God.

Of course, he's not an all perfect guy. I also heard of how he would mess up his house. Leaving his stuff everywhere (even on his housemate's bed). Dirtying everything in the house. :)

Everyone, this is Joash Wee...

Such a sweet guy. Fun, loving and selfless.
I'm missing you dearly, fellow YES-ian.

In Loving memories of Joash Wee

I first met Joash in YES '08. He made an impression in me during YES because he was late on the first day of YES and pastor used him as to help in his illustration as a certain king in the Bible.

Joash is a very approachable guy, easy going and friendly. That was my 1st impression of him.
As the days pass, Joash shows himself to be a leader and a true man of God.
He reflects the ways of God straight from his heart, he knows God.
He sings, he plays the guitar and drum. Multi-talented.

A charming man and a wonderful friend:
Joash Wee RQ
11/10/1987 - 17/6/2010

A great guy: Joash Wee

In memories of Joash Wee

17.6.10
Waking up from my nap at 5.20pm, I switched on my laptop while waiting for dinner time. Firefox window pop up and my facebook homepage appeared. Browsing through my homepage, I saw that Joash was tagged in a video, it says "This song is specially for Joash and his family who passed away this morning. Our deepest condolences to your family....."

Shocked, unbelief and questions crawled up and wrapped around me.
It can't be, it's only his family that passed, right? Joash's still alive, right? These were my thoughts.

Trying to confirm my doubts, I clicked into Joash's facebook profile. Trying my best to convince myself that Joash is not gone.

Clicking down his profile, all that flashes pass my eyes where messages like "Rest in peace... joash" and "joash....we will miss u..rest in peace~~". I quickly screen through all the messages, trying to find a sign that this is not true.

In vain, all was in vain. I gave in. Joash and his family died in a car crash about 8am in the morning... I continue scrolling down the page, tears starts to swim but I'm determine to find out more on what had happened. Finally, I lost control and broke down...

I cried and cried. My room-mates stayed by me but the tears just won't stop. My heart tore and screamed that this can't be true. Not when we hadn't meet in a while, not anytime so soon!

2 hours passed and I fought back my tears as I didn't want my room-mates to worry. Yet, my heart continued to cry and cry.

Later, my friends here found out and we cried together. It didn't last long as I did not want to sympathy. I want Joash alive again. Trying my best to not break down, I distracted myself with practical practices. Each laugther I made did not reached my heart. I felt as if my heart went together with Joash. I hold back my tears, there're just too many people around.

Bedtime finally came, I climbed up to bed at 12mn. Telling myself to calm down and take my much needed sleep, I closed my eyes. Tears just rolled down my cheek unconciously.

Unable to take those tears, I tried to fight it and went to wash my face. I wanna run away, just run to a place where I can scream and shout out how I missed him, how I wished that he's still around. But there's no where to run to, so I stood by the window and whispered everything I wished to tell Joash.

Another hour passed, I could finally get some sleep...

Praise Him!

Stucked in this deep pit, dark and lonely.. I cried out to God hoping for a way out.

I waited and waited.. Hanging onto the last bits of strength that I have.

Just when I thought that I'll have to struggle out of this pit with or WITHOUT God's help. He came to me, the bits of strength that He gave me turned and grew into an unimaginable power.

I found myself praising Him and being so grateful to Him..

Jesus knows

Last week was a great week where God lead me through as if He was by my side. I praise Him for that, really.

This week on the other hand, is really a week of stress and depression whereby my standing with God is really put into the test.

I wonder, Lord. What is it that I can possibly get from this survival type of testing? Am I that strong that I can pull through all these? I'm so pressed down that I can hardly breathe.

Today I cried out to You again and again. My heart tore and crumbled by the pressure that I am facing. My mind keeps repeating: 'I want more of You, God. Help me!'

At the midst of all I'm in now, my ears hears this faint wispers from You: "It's not about you but it's about Me, the Lord of all, Creator of the Heavens and earth, the ruler of Kingdoms & the Prince of Peace."

God will carry me through

Feeling like a trash... Like a piece of tissue being thrown away after 1 use.

I don't mind doing favours for people once in a while but college is really putting too much pressure on me.

I can handle pressure but this is too much for me. It's just not me to face all these in one go.

People turn to me (sometimes) for help but when I look around, I find myself alone. There's just no physical being by my side that will help me through my situation.

I can only turn to God but I really wish for a friend, just one true friend that will be there for me; whom I can rely on.

blank

I'm 22 yrs old this year. Starting to feel so old. Seeing people around me getting hooked and tying the knot really makes me feel "left-out".

I want to experience the feeling of being secure, being able to be cared for. I'm so tired of caring for others, putting up to everything that comes my way, swallowing everything on my own.

I want to have a relationship where I can be that important person to that someone who will be my important person.

But all in all, my God had sustained me and carried my burdens all these years. I'm surviving but am still praying... ;)

Overworked

We'd been working for almost 11 weeks and we have another week to go until we are officially on block for studies.

My friends are falling sick, some continued working while most have gotten MCs. There are few that got admitted..

Yup, I got my 1st MC as well. But that was a week ago due to URTI. Been coughing pretty badly back then.

I went to visit 2 of my friends that were admitted yesterday. I can't helped but assume that we'd really been overworked.

Need some time out!! >.<

Sigh... Work's been testing my patience greatly lately... Getting blasted from both superiors and peers. That's what I get for being the most junior working in the ward right? I hate this new ward.

Am I too submissive that I get blasted all the time?

I told my friends my stories. One of them (who is working with me) finally believed when she saw it happening in front of her. She didn't believe me 100% at first because she can't believe that a person can be bombed so many times in a week. Instead of feeling sorry for me, she find my situation entertaining.

*smile* Ya, it was quite funny that out of everyone there, I am the one being at the right time and right place when the blasting happens.

A test to improve my patience? Maybe to build up my response towards an unfriendly person?

Everyday I'm suffering. Wanna cry but I guess I'm feeling more anger than sorrow in my heart. Gotta cheer up asap or else.. Hmmm, wonder what will happen??

Should go out party and enjoy some time out from work soon... Hehe...