More than pain

"Ouch", a term to express pain or hurt.
Ouch is not able to express the pain I am feeling.. I feel devastated. I really do not know how to hold on to myself anymore. I tired and I tired to be who I am. I tired to follow what is "right", it failed so many times that I resorted to try what is wrong. Now, I find myselfcrushed from all sides.
 I feel like a rat. A rat that runs away whenever threatened, a rat that do not have the sense of guilt, a rat that will never have to experience the pain of being betrayed.
Please pray for me.. I really need God..

God my refuge..

God is my comforter, my strength and my refuge. What more could I hope or ask for? If the story of my life is narrated by Him, what should I be fearful of??

Almost time to let go..

There's this quote that I came across and it says "Let go of the thing you really want. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be yours."

To let go. Easier said than done. How many people had been courageous enough to do so? The heart is willing but the flesh is weak..

I want to let it go.. but in the process of leaving it, I'd realized how much it means to me. One would never realize the importance of something until you lose it. Being on the verge of losing that something had me realized how much I did not want to lose it. The streams of tears wouldn't be enough to define what i feel..

So yeah... I'm forced to let go of something that means a lot to me. Just like a teenager who is unwilling to let go of her baby pillow. But growing older means growing out of the old things. So, as unlikely as it may seem that I'll get over things, that day will come where i realize that it was the right thing to do afterall...

The Name of Jesus, my shelter through the storm

I'm currently going through the testing period in my life.. This time the blow gets bigger..
Usually, I only suffer through one aspect in life but this time.. My family, our job, their studies, my phone, my finance.. It's quite a blow..
Just one text message and I have to learn to be financially prudent; just one bucket of water and I lost 1.7k (that was "ouch"); just one misunderstanding and someone has to lose her job; just a paper and someone turns emo..
It was a hard week..
I never seek God when I invested my 1.7k.. So, I will take it as a lesson learnt. On the bright side, I can go out with my bro to get both of us each a phone :) can have some quality family time. Hehe..
What else..? There is also another thing that I prey before I prayed.. So as unwilling as I am to loose it, that special thing, I'm preparing myself to face loosing it.. Something money can't buy.. It's a pity that I didn't put God first before I hit on it.. As simple as a prayer and I failed to do so..
But God is gracious.. I prayed for my family and peace came on my family. Not forgetting those who prayed along. I appreciate and love you all very much :)
Somehow, God gives joy and courage.. I just love how happy I feel after I spent time with Him :)

"The Name Of Jesus" - Chris Tomlin

The name of Jesus is a refuge
A shelter from the storm, a help to those who call
The name of Jesus is a fortress
A saving place to run, a hope unshakeable

When we fall You are the Savior, when we call You are the answer
There is power in Your name, there is power in Your name

In the name of Jesus
There is life and healing
Chains are broken in Your name
Every knee will bow down and our heats will cry out
Songs of freedom in Your name, oh, in Your name

Bring salvation, bring Your Kingdom
Let all that You have made bring glory to Your name
When we fall you are the Savior, when we call You are the answer
There is power in Your name, there is power in Your name

Everything I Need

Had be praying for wisdom and strength for some time now.. Ever prayed so hard about something you want yet knowing that it is not what God wants but still trying to debate and make it seem like it is what God wants?

That's what I am going through lately.. BUT knowing His words really opens up my mind and help me regain my senses. No matter how I try to make it look like I should get it, the Bible says otherwise. So I'm holding onto His words and stand firm on The Rock, my God.

Nobody said it will be easy to just let things go, when things seem so right.. Being in such a complicated situation really made me weak. Then another scripture came into my mind,

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong"

2 Cor 12:10

When I am weak, I am strong.. Holding on to this verse puts me at ease.. It gave me the courage, to do what I'm suppose to do...

It hurts so much that I cried.. I wished that I had been more rational in the beginning but I had messed up.. And I had hurt another...

Jesus.. Forever my strength :)

"Everything I Need" -- Kutless

When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb
You carry me, Jesus carry me.

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

You
You are everything I need
I love everything about You

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

And the morals of the story is....?

A lawyer shared a story during break time today (we had a talk of legal issues in nursing). I find the moral of the story really interesting and I wanted to share this with everyone ^^

Here goes the version that I remember:

A bird is flying through in the midst of a very cold weather. It grew so cold that the bird froze and fell onto an open field. The bird laid there as it was too cold to move.
Then a cow passed by and shitted on the bird. The bird was trapped in the middle of the cow dung. Soon, the warmth of the shit thawed the bird. Feeling warm and cozy, the bird regains its strength and began to chirp happily.
The song of the happy bird grew louder and merrier. A cat noticed it and stepped up to the pile of shit. The cat dug into the pile of shit, found the bird and ate it.

The morals of the story is:
1. The one who shits on you is not always your enemy.
2. The one who pulls you out the the shit is not always your friend.
3. When you're in deep shit, shut your big mouth up.

Heh heh heh....

It all comes down to English

Things are not getting any easier... I just feel like everything (well, almost) are on my shoulders. All assignments rushing in at the same time. I'm trying my best to finish them according to their priorities but the workload is still there.

Then there is the big problem: English. All our assignments are to be in English. My members, they can write in English but -- well.. you get the idea. So every single assignments have to go through me. Can anyone imagine how I feel??? If their English is acceptable and its only a few grammar mistakes here and there, I'm fine with it but I find myself deleting paragraphs and re-doing the whole thing! Gosh.. I really need to be stronger, tougher and more patient...

Ha! I just received a copy of the assignments that I'll need to edit. At first, there was suppose to be a meeting to settle this thing but apparently the girls in-charge said they want to rest for tonight so they just pass me the copy. Their intentions? At least the one that passed the copy to me was apologetic. Who is there to blame but myself when my English is the best in this group?? *tongues out* Hehehe...

Anyway, fwighting~ acha-acha!! ^^

Me? A leader??

Out of a total of 39 girls in my batch, I am one of the 4 who had been chosen to lead one of the 4 research and management groups.. This position is being given by the tutor in-charge of our Semester. I gotta say that I'm honoured that I am among the 4 being elected, out of 39..

It's been almost 4 weeks now that I'd been "leading" a group of 10 girls of my own batch. I have to admit that it is no easy task as our project carries great deal of stress and responsibility.. Being the leader, I get to feel it more than the rest. Though I cannot take all the credits of leading as I have 3 co-leaders who are helping me out :)

I still can't imagine what did our tutor saw in me that she chose me to be one of the leaders. I mean, there are really quite a few of my group members that could be good leaders as well! Even the other tutor mentioned that why didn't this particular girl got chosen to lead anything? Well.. I guess I'll never know unless I ask my tutor in-charge myself!

All in all, I pray that God would grant me the strength to hold on and carry the responsibilities given to me. Thank you, Lord. Amen :)

Wow wow wow.. Feels like I'd lived a few years instead of days.

I wanna thank God for being so much a part of my life~

^^

My guitar life

Well.. As most already know, I'd been picking up guitar lessons. It lasted only for one month so I did not expect much from it.

I decided to try out what my 'guitar teacher' suggested. He told me to go to church during worship practice and try playing along so that I may be able to play according to the tempo and get some experience as well.

I was late due to some last minute issues. But I still manage to reach there (praise God ^^). The worship leader for that day is really a wonderful fella. He knew I was coming and he actually laid out some extra song sheet on the table so that I can have it.

The experience of playing along with a band is really unbelievable! I manage to get the tempo right. Then I realized, I actually know how to play most of the chords. It's like one month of lessons really did mean something!

Though I'm not good at it but I'm learning. I wanna improve myself and maybe one day, I can finally learn to play the piano..

Sense vs Emotion

Lately I'm feeling the change.. As if I'd grown out of my youth and officially into the adult world. It's really hard to imagine myself as a 23 years old living her life heading towards an unknown future..

Everyone has their own share of life, some had it hard while some don't; but no matter what life one has led, there will always be some regrets, be it big or small -- regrets that touch the very core of that person's life..

For myself, I really don't enjoy the hard times I've been and am going through. I hate it. I am just the type that only wants to have a carefree and worry-free life. That's a stupid statement, I mean, who wouldn't want to??

Lately there are some down times and things that happened is just swaying my stand. I though I had it contained but just took one evening to turn it all around..

I don't like this feeling: the feeling of being helpless..

Trying hard to keep myself checked but the heart just won't obey. As if it has a mind of its own. As if it wants to fight for its right.

The battle between sense and emotion. Who will win??

Happy birthday to me!

I really had a blessed birthday today ^^

Before today, my cellgroup-mate from GTPJ bought doughnuts for an early birthday celebration. :)
I had a chocolate cake at midnight from my course-mates.
Then 2 cupcakes from my dear junior.
When I came back from the 'celebration', I get to read so so many messages on my fb wall and a few sms-es on my phone. Thank you all!! The best one is the wish all the way from someone who is in Hong Kong.. ^^
When I reached church, I got few personal birthday wishes and a birthday song sung by one of our church's top singer. Hahaha.. Appreciate it a lot ;)
Lunch was with mum at Nando's. Hehehe..
Then when I'm back in my hostel, my room-mates gave me warm wishes.. :)
To end the evening, I had another cake from my other course-mates. Few presents. Love it very much.
The best part is that I get to be Han Kyeong's wife. Hahahaha!!
I really had a great time.. Thank God for making me feel so great and thank all of you that had been apart of my day today. Love you all!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

My girlfriends and I went out yesterday and we shared what single ladies would share when we get together, especially when it's a day before Valentine's :P
I can't help re-thinking our situation and give some opinion here..
So here goes..

Just like a book with blank pages, women will let a man scribble and sketch on the "Introduction" page. Once she likes it, she opens up further into her story, starting "Chapter 1". If it works out, he'll be able to write on her pages til it says "The End".

But not all men knows how to write. I don't mean on their literature skills but their skill on keeping the book open. A woman is not just looking for an author, she's looking for THE author. According to her own preference though.

As far as I'd noticed, there are a few types of authors.

First are those who have seemingly endless supply of pen and ink.
They will just write and write and write and savage her pages on just "Chapter 1".
At first glance, one may think he is being passionate and extra loving but it's
freaking the book out! She'll end up being defensive.
"Chapter 1's" aren't meant to be long and exaggerated or neither should there be
any romantic development, they're meant to be short and leave everyone
wondering if this or that guy would end up with this girl or that? Right??


Second, there are the adventurous authors. These guys are so full with ideas that
they'll just attack any books that comes their way. Well, maybe not just any would
do but only books they decide that are qualified to carry their 'masterpiece'.
They're always coming up with new stories and never satisfied with just one book/story.
In their writing room, there are just piles and piles of unfinished books that
just sits there waiting for the author that thinks only of himself.


Then there's this author that I sorta don't respect. They are the type
that never learn how to appreciate the role of the book.
Books are not made to fly up to their author neither are they made to give
suggestions to their author on how the story should continue. To them authors,
they think that 'I should write on my book as little as possible or else she might
think I'm too desperate'. And this guy wouldn't even DARE to add her on fb! OH please... So adding a friend on fb is too desperate now la??
Authors should be passionate about writing their piece, to have the sense of 'want
to keep the story going'... Don't you think so?


This other author is the slow and easy type. He'll take his time on his book.
Taking his time and making every page meaningful. The story is written with care, sometimes too careful, yet he is able to make his book feel special and possibly, loved?
This seemingly perfect author has his downside as well,
a book may feel bored when the author takes too long a time on the plot development that never
show signs of climax or exhilaration. Who would enjoy a mundane story??
Everyone wants bits and pieces of excitement and adventure! :)

Well... That's about what I think I know. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!! ^^ Love ya all..

God with me

I packed up my bags and hit the road. I followed every signs closely so that I don't miss any turning and end up lost.
But the signs are confusing or maybe it's just that my visions are blurr.. I end up lost no matter how hard I try to keep on the right track.
But throughout every step I take and every hurt inflicted, I find that God is there. Lovingly and faithfully walking ahead of me. I'm so grateful to have known such a wonderful Father, It's just unbelievable..
Yet... I wished if everything was clearer and simpler.
Maybe through this I can become a better person..? May God keep me..

Stunt

It's funny and unbelievable how things turn around and the outcomes of my situation is really leaving me speechless.

At some point I'm very stunt at how God handles my situation and circumstance. He's amazing, awesome and indescribable.

All that I could wish for is that I could be a more discipline person, with more wisdom, courage and understanding. All these so that I may live the life that I should...

A bright future

I had a great time alone with God in GT cell combine on Friday. The whole 2 hours were spend on our one on one encounter with God.
As Pastor Julie lead us, we enter into our own space and look unto our awesome Father and Master. It was an indescribable encounter and experience.
I'd always wanted to just sit at the altar and soak into God presence for as long as I want and last Friday was a fulfillment of that longing. At the altar I laid down everything and commit to God and God alone. Nothing else matters at that moment.
As I pray and soaked in His presence I saw a bright light. It was my future.. As if God is telling me that my future holds a bright light that will shine like nothing else..
Isn't being God's child amazing? It's not an easy journey but it is so satisfying :)

2nd Anniversary :)

Today marks the day I first step into TTCL College of Nursing. It's been exactly 2 years now. Time really flies..
Tonight we'll be having a party where most of our batch will gather and celebrate ^^ Kinda look forward towards it. Hehe..

I lack of courage

Have you ever wanted something for a long time and when it is finally within your grasp, you hesitate?
I had long dreamed of getting this certain thing. Now that it seems so close, I'm having a lot of doubts..
What if it doesn't turn out to be what I'd expected it to be?
What if the cons of the situation outweighs the pros?
What if I'm too inexperience to handle it?
What if I cannot carry out my role accordingly?
What if.. what if's....
For now, God had answered my questions with peace. As if it'll all turn out alright.. But still, it's going to be a situation that I am totally unfamiliar with.
Please grant me courage to face my future, Lord Jesus..

When?

I'm curious on what am I getting myself into.. If I think through my situation, I know I'm not making a right decision. The more I play with the mud, the more I find myself covered in dirt.

I am enjoying the whole new experience of playing in this mud pool. Yet, I know that sooner or later I will have to stop. The question is when?

If I were to live without God, I would have sink into this pool and get myself into trouble and regrets. Yet, the principles that I'd learn in church is keeping me from falling off the cliff.
God's love is more important than anything.. I know that very well...

I know what am I suppose to do but I can't find the will to do it..

Making one's life worthwhile

Someone recently asked "What is there to look forward to?"
I don't have an instant answer.. I enjoy my life. I love hanging around with everyone around me, laughing together, making lame jokes together... But life just can't be all that, right??

In the my Christianity point of view, a well-lived life would be living a life like Christ and bring people back to God.
I'm sounding like a pastor... -.-"
Well, anyway..
How should I type to make my meaning understandable..? Errrmm..

Basically, I want to live like how Jesus Christ lived. He was a blessing and He brought joy and healing to everyone He knows or came across..

That's what I look forward to each day -- To make people smile and to just be there for them.
A simple smile do go a long way..

I can't say that I'm so great as to be able to make everyone happy. I do hurt others intentionally at times...
But all in all.. I want to life a life worthwhile.

Someone else once said this :

Love does not make the world go round,
But love is what makes a life worthwhile...